Flee myself without knowing it. I felt lost, frustrated and helpless. I remember that the most common idea in my head was to erase my life completely, as if it was a computer – wanted to press the delete button and delete everything. I wanted to rewrite my life. As if that was possible!
The truth is that this was my desire. I felt I had lost time with unimportant things, meaningless relationships, years of dedication to people and jobs that sucked my energy. I felt incomplete; I lacked something; I had no idea what.
The feeling of inability to change the course of my life was castrating and urged the escape of myself. I was convinced that I had to erase everything to be able to transform my life and specially defeat frustration. This feeling led me to yoga and then massage. But for that I needed to get away. Curious for some, crazy to others, coward for many, important for me.
Anyways…I took a risk! I enrolled in a course of ayurvedic massage and went looking for myself. I felt at home and at the same time I felt shrinking ashamed for exposing my weaknesses; I mean, what I thought were weaknesses.
As in all training events, the teacher asked us to introduce ourselves and say what had taken us up there. I lied! I wasn’t able to say, in front of all of them, that I was there to escape from all that annoyed me. How could I admit I was there because I didn’t know who I was, because I felt lost and alone in need of attention, affection, love? And all this because I wasn’t able to face my fears, my deepest fears, my demons and take control of my own life.
During the workshop I was transported to a world where emotions flow in a natural and steadily way. I remember I tried several times to block them and always ended up with excruciating pain in the lower back.
Gradually I was allowing joy to happen; let myself free and immersed in a feeling of a reassuring well-being. I realized then that life is simple, we’re the ones who make it complicated, because most of the time we stop ourselves of listening what our being is telling us.
We allow ego to control ourselves; we fear to believe in what’s in our soul; we try so hard to hide what we are, because we fear rejection or pain. We deny what is an essential quality of an human being: our vulnerability.
Vulnerability is an inner force that drives us to let down our guard, to ripe the illusory veils that hide us from others and often from ourselves.
I always saw vulnerability as a weakness and through massage I realized that being vulnerable is to be true to yourself, is to relate to others with an open heart, free of pre-conceived ideas.
Being vulnerable is to be pure, innocent, genuine. And I realized it during that workshop. After so long hiding from myself and others, I had a nervous breakdown when the teacher’s assistant asked me: what do you fear? I’ll never forget that question – the answer was me!
That was the most vulnerable and important moment that I experienced in my entire life. The truth is that, that moment helped me to live in a more transparent manner, without mixtures, without mysteries, giving in every moment all that I am, with clarity and purity.
It is this purity that keeps my heart and my mind predisposed to receive what life brings and to accept with open arms the experiences that make me grow.
Today I’m able to understand better what prevented me from living certain experiences to the maximum; I can identify at every moment what I’m losing and what is motivating that loss. I can overcome lost opportunities without making a fuss, because I’m living every situation in a more conscious way. I also can learn from each of these situations something more about who I am, what I want to be and what are my major goals in life. And that’s being pure, it’s being true, being vulnerable. That’s being life!